no fighting

its not a new disease........i have been infected since a very long time.........i have a definate......evident almost nauseating......superiority complex.............what irks me is that even i fail...........the self supposed magnanimity doesent recede one bit............its frustrating..........i am writing so that when i read this space next time...........i hope my nostrils again fill with this stench of failure..............i still believe that i am above average.........and should my actions weaken to prov that point........i hope this post will serve as a good reminder of how failure feels like.............i feel most sorry for mr stokes.......and i am sure when he comes to know i have failed he will in his turn....feel sorry for me.........how bloody funny............
its not easy........to study........to work.....to be a good dad....and a good husband to a near perfect wife.......and then to the best doctor in the midst of collegues............its not easy at all...........but i refuse to accept it.........i refuse to accept that i am just like the next guy......i feel that i am special.........i feel that i have great powers of observation.......and wild staring eyes........sorry mr waters............i also feel like i have a great skill......there is such dexterity in my hands............and i feel i have a very artistic intellect...........and i also feeel that my brain can conjure up things an avergae guy cant.............and i also feel that i have a great drive............there is some subconscious pulse in me which keps me extra optimistic...........and i also feel that i have an intelligence which allows me to look into the future............not the nostradamus syndrome or any such rubbish..........but the capability to prdict consequences of seemingly unrelated things..................and i slo feel that i have an urge to undertand deeper repulsive subjects to the general population of my collegues...........like numbers and graphs............and i also have the spark of quickness............and the ability to strain ...................and i am bestowed with a body of good health..........and a mind that wants to achieve perfetion...........a brain that wants to spend all its life in contemplation of everything...........i just feel so unique.........

i think everyone thinks himself to be unique.........but my uniqueness in elevating myself above the average unique (!!!!)...........is my belief that that i am a ......perhaps coincidental.....amalgam.....os a near perfect combination of each quality......negative and positive........near perfect.........no one is complete......i am not the most of anything.......i am just a little bit of everything........and that little bit of everything has a proportion of each in such a fine balance that it makes me ........special........haha.........

i cant stop smiling at this shameless self-gratification..........but laugh as i might.........exaggeratted it is a bit indeed........but more than a few cells in the dominant hemisphere of my brain believe in it......they do.........

the best part is........that though i believe in all above.........i am still 30 with no permanent job........and i like to read articles in educated journals where failures like me write about iconic people who were failures for so long.........and then bask in the warm reassurance of an impending break........that will reveal my full potential........and i will bloom like a flower that only foliates in once in 40,000 years.............and they will announce the nobel prize.........but i will obviously decline it.......because it does no good to the world.........which is writhing in pain for the want of an embrace.............

an embrace.....for the world.........which i was born to provide.......

such a sense of false duty.........to a feat so needless......for a task of such solar proportions........on someone so singularly unique as me.........

me

who couldnt even clear that miniscule exam........for a membership of the royal college.......of which i was so sure.......for which i had worked hard..........and now i will have to reapply...........reprepare.............such a superior being.........caught in such mortal pursuits.........

i want to make me this lesson...........i never should have failed.......there was no sope for failure.........i can not take he liberty to fail..........sill i did..........at a time so crucial as now........i have failed........natasha put in her best........she gave me all she could........put up with the worst of me..........and still i failed.......i have failed her........her effort.....her sweat.............i have failed mr stokes..........i have failed his faith..........i should have no resentment if life deals me a bad card now........i was given the stage........on which i went and i tripped.........and in surgery.........there is no room for mistakes........

so........lets rest this crown of superiority.........

lets become a commoner........lets put the crown away.......and get this MRCOG I........

i have till march.........and this time.......i will do it alone........i will study when everyone sleeps.....cut hours out of every mnute.........be everyone i should be.......no cmpromise......

i am half prepared.......five months.......to reclaim my superiority.........

starting today......starting now.....

no fighting.