train to newport

i wasnt asleep at 12 midnight on the 4th of feb.......because thats when i think i should start this story.....i cant believe that i have become so cynical............has the plight of others suddenly increased...........or have i suddenly become more receptive to it.............or am i just feeling guilty about having a good time..........while others still wallow in darkness......
anyway.......i wasnt asleep.....i usually am not..........but on the 4th i couldnt have.........i was sprawled on the sofa........papers all around me.......the throw crumpled and not.....and i intermittently saw bit of aliens on tv.......tellling myself that mild entertainment will keep me awake...........having left coffee as a stimulant a year ago..........and never having tried anything more daring for lack of........perhaps need........music has always worked weel with me to keep me awake.........but for some rason it didnt strike me that day to switch it on..........
by 4 am i ran out of steam............and i thought i had to go to bed........my efficiency had waned....i couldnt cram anymore........if my train was at 12.......i could still get about 6 hrs of sleep.........and then restart on the train with the freshness of a new day.........
onlyto realise that my train to london was at 10.......which meant that i will need to be up by 8..........and a sleep of only 4 hours........o well.......4 hrs is quite a lot actually........so i set the alarm..........and hit the sack........and i must have been asleep for just a few minutes...........when i heard the alarm start........it was 8......and time to get up.....

so i got up.......quick.......no fatigue.......the first thing in my head was time..........slipping through my fingers.........i had to be quick...........and because it was all planned..........i went like clockwork..........even so, time was short.......so i got ready................when i used to be deeply in love........i used to lose all appettite..........the adrenalin used to do somethin to my hunger centre...........i would lose all taste for food...........i would eat but not enjoy......and i was the same that day.........no appettite ........at all......natasha suggested..........but i just couldnt..........i was running on a program......like a robot......and there was no time to please the senses........so i got ready..........carefuly packed.......remarkably left noghint important out..........and was out by 9...........i was quick........i even had a quick bath........natasha told me the weather wasnt good......that i will need the umbrella.............but i just detested the thought.......with my mind over-occupied and my hands helping my thinking head.......who would the umbrella for me??.......to the effect that i will definately lose it in the end........so i said no...........i am not made of paper........rain will not kill me..........ill just rough it out..............so i put my brown flying jackt on.............but natasha would have none of it.........she insisted that i put my white big jacket on.....warmer and less likely to get wet..............anyhow.......i kissed amy in the corridor..........kissed natasha...........those are the best moments........and then i stepped outside the door..........natasha and amy watching.....and then out through the big door........into the rain......and then straight back in!!!

the rain was too heavy........i couldnt have 'roughed it out'.........aaaah...........i had to take the umbrella..........and the moment i did......it was pouring like mad..........o well.......i bid them goodbye........and was on my way...........i dont remember if i switched my music on or not.........i think i did.......thats why i ran out of battery in the end..............so yes..........the music was running.........and i was walking briskly............rain getting worse..........and the wind trying its best to wet me under my umbrella.......try as i might to swing the umbrella into protection............the jacket saved me...........and the umbrella tried its best............and i thought what i would do without natasha.......struggling with the fierce wind.....wrestling with rain......some song in my ears.....and knowing the impending battle.........the thought of natasha brought a world of comfort.......she always does it......she makes me invincible.......now i wonder how i should repay her these things...........anyhow.....i reached the railway station..........my black jeans wet......with 15 minutes for the train to come.........and i was actually sweating in my clothes under the chilly breeze...........from all that fast paced walking......so i sat down on the cold metal bench.........on the abergavenny railway station..........waiting for the train to newport

fear

such an internal feeling

and sometimes you dont have to know why

you can just have a feeling

i think in olden times, this is what induced people to think of spirits, ghosts, demons and eventually to the idea og god.....

anyway.......

whats my greatest fear?

its not amy......

when it comes to her i feel omnipotent

when it comes to her i feel like god

when it comes to her i feel that there is nothing on earth......in the whole creation that can prevent me from taking care of her

whatever happens.....i can take care of her....

it not natasha either......

i feel the same way about her, its strange actually......

when i sense some unknown fear like now........and i have some unidentified worry.......i think of my most precious things......and i suddenly feel that i dont worry about them at all........because when it comes to them.......i am god.

if anything were to go wrong with them......i feel that with all my might, i will be able to make them okay.

ha

when i sat down to type.........i was thinking that i will type in about my fears.......try to regurgitate through this keyboard what it is thats nagging me.....

and it turns out that i am actually spewing out a powerful message about my strength......about my limitless capability to force the forces of nature to ensure the well being of my closest people.

and this little excercise lifts the gloom.....

not completely.....but it does....

i dont know if ts the tea.........or the biscuits.......or nick cave playing..........or this channel of thoughts......

but i dont care.......

there is work to do.....

so i must get some sleep......

by the way........when i was preparing for this exam he last time i wrote this interesting little rhyme......here it is.....

life is a gift

of magical contradiction

useless when you have it

priceless in restriction

vagina multilogue

why arent vaginas beautiful?
a face is beautiful....and to each his own......complexion.....form......structure......type........for each feature.......and therefore the jigsaw......
men choose their women by their faces.....well......bodies.......i have somehow still not matured to look at women in their totality.......like many friends of mine......
but the human species anyhow.....chooses its mate by the beauty of the skin........of course there are other things as well.......matching the intellect.......for example........but i think thats the case when its something serious like making babies........
but when the human species is out on a saturday........mating is only skin deep........thank god for contraception.....otherwise we would be a population of ill matched genetic offspring.....destined to eradication between the crushing wheels of time and evolution.......
so we have been intelligent........and we devised a way out of it.......so while we are having a good time......we contracieve...........and when we get serious.......we find a matching mate.....and then stop to contracieve........and concieve...........how intriguing.......
unfortunately........very often it doesnt exactly work like that.........so there is a small trickle of the dodos........o well......god should have made a better plan........
in the meanwhile.........we want to have more fun.........so we contracieve more and more........and we strive to look more beautiful........the beauty graph is peaking........hand in hand with the contracieving graph.......taking fun to dizzy heights........haha........
and for better fun-mating, everyone is cashing in on whatever they have got.......enhance every aspect of your beauty........cosmetic industry is working overtime to provide new options.......more models are being made to promote more products that make them models......making even more models........
so if we continue to be intelligent.......and eventually realise that this is the only way god wanted us to progress......and we start spending every penny on beauty..........so we are done with war....nukes.....religion......poverty.......pollution............we have taken care of everything............and thousand years hence..............everyone is beautiful............
what a world............
will vaginas be beautiful then??
today they are not.........in fat....all vaginas look alike.........anatomically........cosmetically.......photogenically........graphically...............well there are differrences........but as much as between differrent members of the crow species........
thats precisely the reason why i will probably always have only one woman...........beauty i like to appreciate........but sex is all the same..............there might be some carnal excitement in screwing a beautiful face to glory.........haha..........but thats likecutiing the stem of the adorable flower which could have lived its normal span............natasha always argues that men get attracted to a beautiful face.......and then want to mate..........because there is some supposed enjoyment in mating with another beautiful face.....and then another.......and then another.........and then another..........haha
but i argue...........that such a male is actually screwing a vagina........the face was long lost........haha..........the appreciation of beauty slowly died.........when the will to fun-mate filled the air......
i dont think lower animal have a concept of beauty..........i mean peacocks.........male peacocks......spread their feathers to attract females...............i think they look more beautiful than any other bird i have ever seen............but i dont think the female peahen for this poor guy is putting up the show for considers the male "beautiful".........i believe they associate characteristics like power......territory.........strength........fertility............................but not beauty...................no......not beauty.........
human species are the only ones with a copyright onn it.............its our domain.........we KNOW..........what it is........
and thats why vaginas are not beautiful..........
well......not yet........they dont have to be.........i think because they are supposed to have a differrent function..........at least in times of today..........haha......and in fact......everything that i have said can equally apply to penises..........but for the perverted variety in lengths and breadths......there is barely another distinguishing feature..........let alone a vision of beauty..............perhaps.........but we are evolving..........haha
ad thats where all these thoughts came into my mind.........
what if a thousand years in the future...........human species shuns clothes..........and patterns of mating change..........the decreasing population forces social changes.............birth becomes primary...............will things change......??

despite the monkey

never losing touch

couldnt have thought

he'd change so much

for those who got offended by some of the things i said above......it might bring comfort you to know that i am a citizen of the world.......science is my religion............i love the earth..........i dont believe in the concept of god...........and i dont give a shit about politics.....and i am a feminist........as shit as it sounds..........


alright......dont get serious.......it was just a vocabular excercise.......i am always sorry.
this doesnt effect your statutory rights......ha

just an excuse

because the previous post was so perorated......i am obliged to report on how things are now.......i did jog........but now i have given up more or less.......the aim is still there.........5 kilos by march.........typing is still goin well..........so thats alright........studies were a lil less last two days.........wards were in a mess.........but i will pick now.......i have nights coming from day after tomorrow......so it should be fine.........and the hope of touching the shores of australia is in pursual as well............still far away.......but the pace is acceptable...........in short .......i havent moved mountains yet..............but i am gathering the machinery for it..........i will do it.

but the reason i logged on for is differrent........

how horrifying is this......

some guy went to his girlfriends flat late evening.....she had a toddler baby.........he killed her stabbing her multiple times ..........and then left unnoticed.........she was found in the morning in a pool of blood...........the baby was found asleep on his dead mother in the pool of blood.........presumably the baby cried all night and then went to sleep out of exhaustion........

it scares the wits out of me........my heart sinks when i go ove this story...........and i have gone over it many times............it lies in some complect of neurones inside my slow-firing brain..............and its obviously not new..........its probbly a yer old ......summer of 2005........i read it while sitting in cardiff bus no. 8............going to or coming from the heath............its was a small paragraph column.......on page 7 or 8........writtem in small text.......and i got goosebumps in the heat of summer.........if i were a girl my eyes would have moistened.......perhaps they even did........

my favourite part is when it was written in the news report that the presumably the baby wept all night and then went to sleep on his dead mum.........

what does that do to you........

it kills me

in psychiatry..........grieving is described as a process of 6 stages.......
numbness
denial
yearning
depression
aggression
guilt
reintergration.......

i go through all of them everytime i recall this story.............

i hate the reintegration.........i hate to get back to normal...........i hate getting used to it.........i hate finding the bank statement that needs sorting............i hate to lose sight of the baby.........the incident.......the boyfriend.............

like roger waters said..........its symbolic of our failure..........

like gandhi felt..............for no sound reason.........i feel responsible.........

and like no one else..........or perhaps like everyone else......i feel helpless.

and then i feel like my two year daughter......wo doesnt speak all that much yet.........saying to me...........daddy, thats just an excuse.

the game

so heres the plan............

i have already cut the cheque.......so i am appearing on 5th march again........

daily schedule is tied up............will subscribe to onexamination.com too.....
have to publish my research for HSMP.......
do the three audits in my mind......
learn touch typing..........20 mins everyday......
jog every morning and shed 5 kilos.......

the list obviously is endless on my pda.......but this is the gist....and we start today......tonight......now on......

let this be the wash up........

you have great expectations......pip.......

no failing this time.......and there is a lot on my plate........

on 5th march 2007...........i should be a superdoc with mrcog part 1 cleared......
shed 5 kilos.....
touch type master......
three audits done.......
one article published.......at least........
and be ready for the next sequential failure........to put me on this personal war footing again.......

hmmmmm........i like this game.....

no fighting

its not a new disease........i have been infected since a very long time.........i have a definate......evident almost nauseating......superiority complex.............what irks me is that even i fail...........the self supposed magnanimity doesent recede one bit............its frustrating..........i am writing so that when i read this space next time...........i hope my nostrils again fill with this stench of failure..............i still believe that i am above average.........and should my actions weaken to prov that point........i hope this post will serve as a good reminder of how failure feels like.............i feel most sorry for mr stokes.......and i am sure when he comes to know i have failed he will in his turn....feel sorry for me.........how bloody funny............
its not easy........to study........to work.....to be a good dad....and a good husband to a near perfect wife.......and then to the best doctor in the midst of collegues............its not easy at all...........but i refuse to accept it.........i refuse to accept that i am just like the next guy......i feel that i am special.........i feel that i have great powers of observation.......and wild staring eyes........sorry mr waters............i also feel like i have a great skill......there is such dexterity in my hands............and i feel i have a very artistic intellect...........and i also feeel that my brain can conjure up things an avergae guy cant.............and i also feel that i have a great drive............there is some subconscious pulse in me which keps me extra optimistic...........and i also feel that i have an intelligence which allows me to look into the future............not the nostradamus syndrome or any such rubbish..........but the capability to prdict consequences of seemingly unrelated things..................and i slo feel that i have an urge to undertand deeper repulsive subjects to the general population of my collegues...........like numbers and graphs............and i also have the spark of quickness............and the ability to strain ...................and i am bestowed with a body of good health..........and a mind that wants to achieve perfetion...........a brain that wants to spend all its life in contemplation of everything...........i just feel so unique.........

i think everyone thinks himself to be unique.........but my uniqueness in elevating myself above the average unique (!!!!)...........is my belief that that i am a ......perhaps coincidental.....amalgam.....os a near perfect combination of each quality......negative and positive........near perfect.........no one is complete......i am not the most of anything.......i am just a little bit of everything........and that little bit of everything has a proportion of each in such a fine balance that it makes me ........special........haha.........

i cant stop smiling at this shameless self-gratification..........but laugh as i might.........exaggeratted it is a bit indeed........but more than a few cells in the dominant hemisphere of my brain believe in it......they do.........

the best part is........that though i believe in all above.........i am still 30 with no permanent job........and i like to read articles in educated journals where failures like me write about iconic people who were failures for so long.........and then bask in the warm reassurance of an impending break........that will reveal my full potential........and i will bloom like a flower that only foliates in once in 40,000 years.............and they will announce the nobel prize.........but i will obviously decline it.......because it does no good to the world.........which is writhing in pain for the want of an embrace.............

an embrace.....for the world.........which i was born to provide.......

such a sense of false duty.........to a feat so needless......for a task of such solar proportions........on someone so singularly unique as me.........

me

who couldnt even clear that miniscule exam........for a membership of the royal college.......of which i was so sure.......for which i had worked hard..........and now i will have to reapply...........reprepare.............such a superior being.........caught in such mortal pursuits.........

i want to make me this lesson...........i never should have failed.......there was no sope for failure.........i can not take he liberty to fail..........sill i did..........at a time so crucial as now........i have failed........natasha put in her best........she gave me all she could........put up with the worst of me..........and still i failed.......i have failed her........her effort.....her sweat.............i have failed mr stokes..........i have failed his faith..........i should have no resentment if life deals me a bad card now........i was given the stage........on which i went and i tripped.........and in surgery.........there is no room for mistakes........

so........lets rest this crown of superiority.........

lets become a commoner........lets put the crown away.......and get this MRCOG I........

i have till march.........and this time.......i will do it alone........i will study when everyone sleeps.....cut hours out of every mnute.........be everyone i should be.......no cmpromise......

i am half prepared.......five months.......to reclaim my superiority.........

starting today......starting now.....

no fighting.

this land...

this white mans land is beyond words.............

i went to an astronomical society meet...........there is an astronomical society culb in usk..........it has many members......there were twelve that day.........and three new ones includng myself...............there was no astronomy...........only budgeting........and planning.........and what the society was capable of.............
but beneath al this seemingly drab waste of time was an undercurrent of an enthusiasm for the skies which bound all of us to sit together through that first meet.......as if we were all committed to larger project of universal importance the price of which was to tolerate this necessary evil of bureaucratic planing...........it was shit. but for no reason i was thrilled..........everyone was over 50..........thyere must be only one....stewart....who was younger..........in his thrities.....like me i uess......

i went for a jog...........around the hospital......on the clean pavement.......recently awash with a sprinkle of an unusually warm autumn rain...........through the well lit car park............amid the rich green foliage..............then past the labour ward.........popped in to enquire about a patient who i had seen earlier in the day.............and then home..............

about a hundred yards from home.........i stopped jogging.........i wasent very breathless.......and i dipped my hands into the right pocket of my cheap track pants.........and fished out my new N73..........nokia......and tapped through the menu......stumbled upon games......and was reborn at the sight of the new versio of snakes..............its 3d..........you get transformed into a reptile with a pedigree......n a chequered floor........with only vision for shiny revolving objects..........with fangs in readiness for emergent gulping..........but i was at my doorstep...........with the latest marvel of human technology in my hands...........my being glowing in the satisfaction of being at the top of the techno pyramid........

the i filled up my bathtub........in seconds...........and lay naked in the water...........experienced part weightlessness........exaggerated by my recent jog.........and then i thought..........