just an excuse

because the previous post was so perorated......i am obliged to report on how things are now.......i did jog........but now i have given up more or less.......the aim is still there.........5 kilos by march.........typing is still goin well..........so thats alright........studies were a lil less last two days.........wards were in a mess.........but i will pick now.......i have nights coming from day after tomorrow......so it should be fine.........and the hope of touching the shores of australia is in pursual as well............still far away.......but the pace is acceptable...........in short .......i havent moved mountains yet..............but i am gathering the machinery for it..........i will do it.

but the reason i logged on for is differrent........

how horrifying is this......

some guy went to his girlfriends flat late evening.....she had a toddler baby.........he killed her stabbing her multiple times ..........and then left unnoticed.........she was found in the morning in a pool of blood...........the baby was found asleep on his dead mother in the pool of blood.........presumably the baby cried all night and then went to sleep out of exhaustion........

it scares the wits out of me........my heart sinks when i go ove this story...........and i have gone over it many times............it lies in some complect of neurones inside my slow-firing brain..............and its obviously not new..........its probbly a yer old ......summer of 2005........i read it while sitting in cardiff bus no. 8............going to or coming from the heath............its was a small paragraph column.......on page 7 or 8........writtem in small text.......and i got goosebumps in the heat of summer.........if i were a girl my eyes would have moistened.......perhaps they even did........

my favourite part is when it was written in the news report that the presumably the baby wept all night and then went to sleep on his dead mum.........

what does that do to you........

it kills me

in psychiatry..........grieving is described as a process of 6 stages.......
numbness
denial
yearning
depression
aggression
guilt
reintergration.......

i go through all of them everytime i recall this story.............

i hate the reintegration.........i hate to get back to normal...........i hate getting used to it.........i hate finding the bank statement that needs sorting............i hate to lose sight of the baby.........the incident.......the boyfriend.............

like roger waters said..........its symbolic of our failure..........

like gandhi felt..............for no sound reason.........i feel responsible.........

and like no one else..........or perhaps like everyone else......i feel helpless.

and then i feel like my two year daughter......wo doesnt speak all that much yet.........saying to me...........daddy, thats just an excuse.