eye of the hurricane

its so amazingly difficult to be grateful and at the same time be entertaining........everytime you try to be thankful its such a pain to go through it that you almost wish it werent required.......if i...as a thanker feels like that.....i am sure the thank-taker would feel even worse..........its almost like a courtesy to a lady i often endlessly contemplate in my mind..........thinking to myself she will think i have some ulterior motives.......or i might just seem too enthusiastic.......and i keep arguing with myself on what she would think.......until the moment passes and i am relieved of the momentary schizophrenia.............thankful that now she doesnt need the help anymore........puzzelled what i will do the next time in the same predicament........angry with myself for my clouded consciousness........and eventually sorry.....that such is the time and age we live in.......that acts of plain courtesey have become objects of suspicion.............
what amazes me even further is that while all these thoughts juggle in my neurons within fractions of a second...........the world moves strides ahead.......way out in time and space.......as if while i groped with trivial social issues...........centuries have passed...........in fact thats when mortality becomes most unwanted..........and i pine for a lifetime which lasts for thousands of years............i definately do die in the end........but after all work is done.........

anyhow..........i wish to thank mr stokes.........there is a big list of people right behind him who also need to be mentioned........but mr stokes has been the last touch........and incidentally....was also the first............working in the nevill hall hospital is sheer pleasure.............what remains to be seen is that will this chance take me to greater heights........or are we in the eye of the hurricane..........

so little time

so pathetic is the guy in the movie that i almost feel like weeping out each time...........forrest gump.......he loves the girl so much......and she is the only one he loves..........but if you look at him thru her eyes.........he is just a filler..........between spurts of excitement.........he is the drab commercial.......he is just so basic......such a background.........he knows he is not a smart guy..........he is so straight that i feel guilty at having a larger iq than him.......i dont know why i feel wo moved by movies..........there are many people i know.......who are like that.......some are even close friends.........while life deals me cards, i struggle to guess the pattern.........try hard to premeditate whats in store............its obviously a futile excercise..............but i nevertheless keep trying............and then for a brief moment, i just pause to think about peopl like forest gump.........while i bask in the glory of my own superiority complex............there are people like him........who have a less intelligence quotient, so i can keep my su[periority complex with me........and then they admit that they are not smart......................i dont know what i would do if i met a guy like that............i guess i would feel ashamed..........ashamed of feeling that i am intelligent.......and ashamed of trying harder and harder to be more intelligent...................i dont know why i feel ashamed..........i almost feel like i wish i were like forest gump..............not smart, not the tops, not the highwire......not even the average..............below it.......below it.........not that i am the tops or the best in field now............but i am trying............anyhow.....its just a film.....fg gets a good deal in the end.............thats how movies are.....opr at least they make it look lik he gets a good deal in the end...............real world is shit..............but i love to live in a dreamworld.......i love to be pathologically optimistic.............i love to believe that if not forall......for some things are good..............i also love this ability to feel someones pain like my own..............sometimes i feel it too close.........and that brings me down a bit...........but i still love to be able to feel it all...........maybe because i can feel it all, i may be able to do something about it...............like always........i wish life was 800 years long..............there is so much to do......and so little time.