no fighting

its not a new disease........i have been infected since a very long time.........i have a definate......evident almost nauseating......superiority complex.............what irks me is that even i fail...........the self supposed magnanimity doesent recede one bit............its frustrating..........i am writing so that when i read this space next time...........i hope my nostrils again fill with this stench of failure..............i still believe that i am above average.........and should my actions weaken to prov that point........i hope this post will serve as a good reminder of how failure feels like.............i feel most sorry for mr stokes.......and i am sure when he comes to know i have failed he will in his turn....feel sorry for me.........how bloody funny............
its not easy........to study........to work.....to be a good dad....and a good husband to a near perfect wife.......and then to the best doctor in the midst of collegues............its not easy at all...........but i refuse to accept it.........i refuse to accept that i am just like the next guy......i feel that i am special.........i feel that i have great powers of observation.......and wild staring eyes........sorry mr waters............i also feel like i have a great skill......there is such dexterity in my hands............and i feel i have a very artistic intellect...........and i also feeel that my brain can conjure up things an avergae guy cant.............and i also feel that i have a great drive............there is some subconscious pulse in me which keps me extra optimistic...........and i also feel that i have an intelligence which allows me to look into the future............not the nostradamus syndrome or any such rubbish..........but the capability to prdict consequences of seemingly unrelated things..................and i slo feel that i have an urge to undertand deeper repulsive subjects to the general population of my collegues...........like numbers and graphs............and i also have the spark of quickness............and the ability to strain ...................and i am bestowed with a body of good health..........and a mind that wants to achieve perfetion...........a brain that wants to spend all its life in contemplation of everything...........i just feel so unique.........

i think everyone thinks himself to be unique.........but my uniqueness in elevating myself above the average unique (!!!!)...........is my belief that that i am a ......perhaps coincidental.....amalgam.....os a near perfect combination of each quality......negative and positive........near perfect.........no one is complete......i am not the most of anything.......i am just a little bit of everything........and that little bit of everything has a proportion of each in such a fine balance that it makes me ........special........haha.........

i cant stop smiling at this shameless self-gratification..........but laugh as i might.........exaggeratted it is a bit indeed........but more than a few cells in the dominant hemisphere of my brain believe in it......they do.........

the best part is........that though i believe in all above.........i am still 30 with no permanent job........and i like to read articles in educated journals where failures like me write about iconic people who were failures for so long.........and then bask in the warm reassurance of an impending break........that will reveal my full potential........and i will bloom like a flower that only foliates in once in 40,000 years.............and they will announce the nobel prize.........but i will obviously decline it.......because it does no good to the world.........which is writhing in pain for the want of an embrace.............

an embrace.....for the world.........which i was born to provide.......

such a sense of false duty.........to a feat so needless......for a task of such solar proportions........on someone so singularly unique as me.........

me

who couldnt even clear that miniscule exam........for a membership of the royal college.......of which i was so sure.......for which i had worked hard..........and now i will have to reapply...........reprepare.............such a superior being.........caught in such mortal pursuits.........

i want to make me this lesson...........i never should have failed.......there was no sope for failure.........i can not take he liberty to fail..........sill i did..........at a time so crucial as now........i have failed........natasha put in her best........she gave me all she could........put up with the worst of me..........and still i failed.......i have failed her........her effort.....her sweat.............i have failed mr stokes..........i have failed his faith..........i should have no resentment if life deals me a bad card now........i was given the stage........on which i went and i tripped.........and in surgery.........there is no room for mistakes........

so........lets rest this crown of superiority.........

lets become a commoner........lets put the crown away.......and get this MRCOG I........

i have till march.........and this time.......i will do it alone........i will study when everyone sleeps.....cut hours out of every mnute.........be everyone i should be.......no cmpromise......

i am half prepared.......five months.......to reclaim my superiority.........

starting today......starting now.....

no fighting.

this land...

this white mans land is beyond words.............

i went to an astronomical society meet...........there is an astronomical society culb in usk..........it has many members......there were twelve that day.........and three new ones includng myself...............there was no astronomy...........only budgeting........and planning.........and what the society was capable of.............
but beneath al this seemingly drab waste of time was an undercurrent of an enthusiasm for the skies which bound all of us to sit together through that first meet.......as if we were all committed to larger project of universal importance the price of which was to tolerate this necessary evil of bureaucratic planing...........it was shit. but for no reason i was thrilled..........everyone was over 50..........thyere must be only one....stewart....who was younger..........in his thrities.....like me i uess......

i went for a jog...........around the hospital......on the clean pavement.......recently awash with a sprinkle of an unusually warm autumn rain...........through the well lit car park............amid the rich green foliage..............then past the labour ward.........popped in to enquire about a patient who i had seen earlier in the day.............and then home..............

about a hundred yards from home.........i stopped jogging.........i wasent very breathless.......and i dipped my hands into the right pocket of my cheap track pants.........and fished out my new N73..........nokia......and tapped through the menu......stumbled upon games......and was reborn at the sight of the new versio of snakes..............its 3d..........you get transformed into a reptile with a pedigree......n a chequered floor........with only vision for shiny revolving objects..........with fangs in readiness for emergent gulping..........but i was at my doorstep...........with the latest marvel of human technology in my hands...........my being glowing in the satisfaction of being at the top of the techno pyramid........

the i filled up my bathtub........in seconds...........and lay naked in the water...........experienced part weightlessness........exaggerated by my recent jog.........and then i thought..........

while i concede defeat before people of higher intelligence, i still remain convinced that people such as those are few. and i choose to live by an arcane logic that puts me in a position of strange advantage............without ny grounds, i continue to feel that i excercise the right to confute others..........
but i am glad that i am not alone in my way of thinking...........that guy in the mess also seemed like a guy who wanted to cover the world in healing plaster............i often think whether it is right or wrong to be so involved with a seemingly unsolvable problem.......the human race.......in itself is faulty.............but interestingly.....and fortunately too......the same aberrations which cause problems.......also cause the change which brings hope..........that mankind will improve......it doesent even sound like it bears serious thought.........its much easier to imagine man destroying himself that to percieve a world of versimilitude.....

and try as i might........my being refuses to be insoucient about it......